For years, off and on, I wondered if experiencing childhood sexual abuse destroyed my ability to have children. From 5-10, two male family members misused my developing body. When I became sexually active, with my first boyfriend, at age 16, my mother sent me down to a clinic in Madison, Illinois. For approximately 10 years, I faithfully took birth control pills to prevent myself from getting pregnant. So, I often wondered if the combination of abuse and the length of being on birth control pills negated my chances of having a family of my own.
Sometime before my 20’s, I realized I wanted to have a family—a boy and girl with curly hair, preferably twins (a one and done) and a husband with green/brown eyes no more than 5 years older than me. Later on, I added other qualifications.
My miscarriage in 2010 at the age of 35, the Bible stories of Sara and Rebecca’s pregnancies, and hearing pregnancy successes of others, were the fuel I needed to believe that having a family of my own was possible. Now, I knew could get pregnant. I hung on my OBGYN words, “try again in six months.” It was time to get to work.
In the fall of 2010, after much research and the results of a positive hormonal test, prayer, and positive affirmations, I announced to my husband that we are getting pregnant in the winter. I listened (other’s pregnancy success stories). I read (articles and books), not in an obsessive way, but available to what the universe wanted me to know. After all that I have experienced, I still believe that in every experience there is something to learn.
I prayed “God if it is your will, I want to be a mother.” I used visualizations. One day, I visualized a boy and a girl running down our hallway in our Ohio condo. Now, I know in the next lifetime to visualize kids walking instead of running : ). I believed that everything is possible for the one who believes (Mark9:23) and that all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). I also remembered a conviction I had as a child. No one or nothing has the right to take from me what I wanted for my life.
When I missed my period in January, I felt like my dreams were coming true. I held some of my excitement until my OBGYN confirmed my pregnancy. In September 2011, at age 36, we had our son. In 2013, before our daughter’s arrival, two dreams confirmed that we were having a girl. I wasn’t surprised my ultrasound confirmed we were having a daughter. Now, I have the boy and girl I always wanted. Although, they are two years apart, one day someone asked me if they were twins. I am married to my brown/green-eyed college sweetheart who is four years and 19 days older than me.
I knew early on that I wanted to teach many of the life principles I learned and those my mother taught me. Her wisdom helped me get through the initial stages of my pregnancy. She helped me tackle my doubt by sharing what helped her during her pregnancies. “I’m pregnant, and that’s it. ” Then, I claimed what was in my heart all along.
Motherhood is a journey within a journey. I’ve learned a lot about my Self, communication, leadership, and others. And, I keep on learning. I am thankful that my mother helped instill a foundation that I draw from daily.
May your heart’s desires come true. I believe that when we seek God with all our heart, mind, and soul, he unveils His will for our lives. I’ve heard so many pregnancy-success stories to know that there is a power beyond our circumstances, experiences, medical, and technology.
Make this lifetime great! No matter what you have been through, keep dreaming, hoping, and have faith that anything is possible. When I unleashed my dreams into the universe, I didn’t know about The Secret. I knew what I wanted.
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