Blaming My Father Was Not The Answer

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As you know, anger, fear, guilt, shame, resentment, vengeance, and their magnetizing companions can feel unbearable at times. But, I knew that after the sexual abuse secret was out, I had to do something. I didn’t want to end up doing to others what the two family members did to me. Although my family and I continued to live close to J and S (the two family members who sexually abused me), I had to part ways from my entire experience with childhood sexual abuse emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

It’s so easy to blame others for their actions and inactions, but I realized blaming adds more weight to the load that I am already carrying.

Sometime after the secret was out, I was walking in the middle of our street one day. A thought came to me. If my father were around, maybe the abuse would not have happened. Within a matter of seconds, I came to my sense, for there were no guarantees that my father’s presence would have saved me. He was consumed with his internal battles.

Now, I was still angry at my father, for my mother struggled to provide a roof over our head, feed us, and other necessities of life. 

But, eventually, the anger towards my father turned into compassion because I knew his absence was not about me, my mother, or my brothers. For years, anger covered up the love I felt for him. I wanted my father in my life, but I later accepted that he would not be the father I wanted him to be. I had to heal that wound, and it took time, but it was worth it.

The blessing out of my relationship with my father is that I knew the type of parent I didn’t want to be, and I hoped to find a man who was unlike him. Later, I learned that we all are moving through some pain. Plus, my father missed out on guiding, loving, and protecting three beautiful spirits. My father was and is not a bad person. My father, just like J and S, was in pain and didn’t know how to deal with their pain.

Pain does not have to continue to callous hearts, dismantle the family concept, or infect generations. I could waste my precious energy, money, and time blaming my father or accepting him as he is. Nowadays, I pray for my father instead of blaming him. I hope he heals from the inside out, finding the peace that surpasses understanding.

By accepting, acknowledging, and confronting my pain, I moved on with my life to be present for two beautiful spirits. I unloaded a lot of baggage so that I could have a clear view of my desired life. I want our children and others to know that healing is possible and that pain is not be carried but released. Life is to be lived.

Thanks for reading!

Make this lifetime great!


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A Reminder From Nature That Fear Is Learned

As my children and I were heading out to the garden, we saw a startled deer out of our living room window. And when my son opened the patio door, it was no surprise that the deer sprinted away.

As I walked out to my garden, I spotted another deer on the other side of our house. He looked at me, and I looked at him. I gestured for the deer to go away. Instead, the deer started coming towards me. Then, I gestured for the deer to stay. I alerted my children that another deer was on the other side of the house. And, like all curious children, they wanted to see the deer. 

So, I let the children peek around the corner of our house, and to my surprise, the deer stayed. Then, I threw a small rock several feet away from the deer to get him to go away. But, the deer moved towards the rock instead of away from it. Then, a thought hit me. Fear is learned. Unlike the other deer we saw, this deer kept eating and walking in the grass despite hearing and seeing us. I assumed that either the deer hadn’t had the same experience as the other deer, or he didn’t let a “bad” experience shape his view of every human interaction. Of course, I like to believe the latter part of the previous statement. The deer was on a mission and didn’t let human sighting deter him. So, we left the deer alone (no opposition to its goals), and my children and I continued plucking weeds and sewing seeds.  Eventually, the deer left.

Today, nature confirmed that fear is learned. Often, my mother told us that we didn’t have to act the same way others do. We choose our actions. 

We can permit fearful thoughts to deter us from our life’s mission or continue to move forward, not bothered by the naysayers and others who criticize and laugh at us. Bible Scripture reminds us not to be fearful. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and a sound mind” (King James Version, 2 Timothy 1:7)

Which do you choose?

Thanks for reading!

Make this life great!

Timika Chambers

MSN BSN RN, Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, ACE Fitness Instructor, CDCES

P.S. I would love for you to join my community of being bent on using our experiences as stepping stones to our divine purpose, healing from the inside out, and achieving and sustaining optimal health. Subscribe to by clicking the link below.

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