Base on which ye stands


Our beliefs about ourselves, the world, and others will show in our action toward ourselves and others. A foundation may look strong until it is shaken up a bit by life circumstances. Is your foundation or the base of you, built on truth, integrity, honor, love, compassion, empathy, honest communication, and other positive virtues, or on superiority/inferiority, anger, frustration, bitterness, and/or hate?

Do you immediately forgive yourself when you do not accomplish your goals for the day? Do you continuously blame yourself or berate others when things do not go your way? Do you congratulate yourself for trying a new skill even if you were not as successful as you wanted to be at the skill? Or do you feel that you are incompetent when something does not turn out the way the picture in the magazine looked? Better yet, do you hold a grudge when someone does not do what they said they were going to do? Or, do you immediately forgive that person and ask what could you have done to help? Or do you just assume that, that person did not want to help anyway? Do we feel that it is important to communicate our feelings to our friends/love ones, or do we feel that they will not understand, and it is not worth sharing our feelings? Do we feel that others, especially our loved ones, are capable of empathizing with us? Are we quick to judge others? If yes, then more than likely we are quick to judge ourselves.

If we are quick to show compassion to ourselves when we do not achieve the goals we set forth for the day, then we are more likely to show compassion to others when they do not achieve their goals. Your internal dialogue will sometimes be the same conversation you have with others (mostly negative or mostly positive). It’s hard to be positive toward others if you are negative towards yourself, and vice versa.

If you motivate yourself when you are working on a project, then you are probably more likely to try to motivate others. If you feel that your emotions/feelings are of value, then you are more likely to share those emotions/feelings with your loved ones. They are your loved ones, right? Do we see people as capable of achieving their goals, or do we feel that we should always do things for them for the task to come out, right? Do we enable others to think for themselves and care for themselves, or do we enable them to depend on us for everything, and then we get mad and feel like “he can’t do anything himself?”

Does everyone have the basic right to live here on earth? Does everyone regardless of race, culture, religion, gender, (and anything else used to separate humanity) deserve the to be treated the same way? If you are hard on yourself and set expectations so high that when you do not achieve your goals, you may end of feeling anxious, depressed, moody, withdrawing from others, you are probably hard on others or will be most of the time. You will tend to have unrealistic expectations for others, and many times you will end up disappointed.

If you are dissatisfied with how you treat others, look at your foundation. How sturdy is your base? Here you will find the root of your behaviors. How you treat others may reflect how you feel about yourself.


How did I avoid an argument with my spouse?


I caught myself yesterday after speaking words that I knew would cause an argument. I was finishing up laundry from our recent vacation, and my spouse found more of his clothes that needed washing. I wanted to have laundry done by a certain time Friday morning, and I began feeling a little frustrated that there were more clothes that needed to be washed. If I had continued on the path I was on with feeling delayed and frustrated, and that I had all of the clothes that needed to be washed in the laudry room, and he did not, an argument with my spouse would have followed. I soon found out, after I decided to change my path, that I, too, had more clothes that needed to be washed.

An argument takes more than one person. I am in control of my thoughts and the words I speak. They can be words of love or words that come from anger, jealousy, frustration, or any other negative emotion/feeling. One of my favorite quotes by Napoleon Hill is “Direct your thoughts, control your emotions, and ordain your destiny.” So, I needed to change my thoughts, control my frustration, and pick a path in alignment with who I want to be.

Another quote that I was reminded on Friday is from the Book of Mathew, and it comes come :
Matthew 7: 4 &5 :How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while there is still a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Besides checking to see what mood or state I am in before I speak, here are the steps I I used to avoid an argument with my spouse yesterday:

1. Removed myself from where were I was. I left out of the laundry room and decided to be still and realized that what I had said was not called for. I could clearly see what he was doing, so I did not need to ask the question.
So, go to another room that allows you to clear your mind and reduce the risk of saying something else to ignite the fire of an argument? Removing myself from the room helped me to think about what I just said and what to say next.

2. Assessed my intention for the words I spoke? Why did I just say what I said? I was trying to complete all of our laundry early Friday morning, so that I could enjoy the rest of the day and do other things. I felt like he was putting me off schedule. I played a part in being off schedule by not communicating properly my intentions. Never did I communicate to my spouse that I was doing laundry and what color clothes I was washing next. I actually like doing laundry and feel blessed that I can do it myself.

3. Thought about what my spouse was going through. I was not the only person trying to finish something that morning. So, I put myself in the other person’s shoes and started talking about what was bothering him.

4.Kept focused on my goals for how I want my life and my marriage to be. Choose by battles, wisely! I want to live a long healthy vibrant youthful life with the one I love.


Bullying and its rightful place

The one thing that infuriates me the most is hearing that someone has been bullied by someone else. Whether it is name-calling (race, religion, color, intellectual abilities, and sexual preference, and/or forcing someone to do something they do not want to do, I do not care if it is the sister, brother, cousin, mother, father (because I have heard and seen parents bully their children) or any other individual.. I believe some things that fall under bullying include child abuse, elderly abuse, and domestic abuse and/or domestic violence, and rape. No one has the right to make someone else feel inferior or feel that he or she does not belong in this world or that the world would be a better place without him or her. How does that person know that? What gives another the right to have someone question his or her worth—to help feel inferior?

I heard today about a study taking place regarding bullying within the family including sisters and brothers. The one place that children hope to feel a sense of belonging…to be accepted for who they are, loved unconditionally, to be called by their name, and not make them feel inferior, is the very same place that some children are experiencing bullying…Are you kidding me? Loving, caring, and respecting others start in the home…If it does not start there, where does it start. Then, we want to wonder how come children turn into bullies as young adolescents, teenagers, and adults.

I am even more disgusted when I hear that someone was involved with helping someone else feel so bad about who he or she is that this person decided to take his or her life…to no longer be here…that his or her life was not worth living…..when he or she was designed to be here….. To have a place in this world…to explore, experience, to be happy, to live a passionate life, and it came to an end because the other person (bully)had issues that were not dealt with correctly.

I remember, years ago, in my undergraduate program, I witnessed a man hitting a woman and forcing her to do something. I immediately stopped what I was doing, beyond shock, and yelled out to this person to stop. I also told someone as well, but the couple ran away. Keep in mind that I was in the library…but wrong was wrong. I did not know the couple, I just knew it was wrong. It was a chance that I took, and I would do it again…Right is right….

When you are bullying, I believe it says more about you…who you are on the inside, and it does not bring good thoughts to mind. There is probably nothing wrong with the other person, something is more wrong with you. I am not picking on someone who is a bully…and you know if you are…but stop for a moment and ask why are you bullying someone??? Is it fun? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Does it relieve anger, stress, fear, or intimidation? Why would picking on someone else be a reason to laugh? To get excited? We were all given names for a reason….special reasons..after a grandmother, after a soap opera actress…It does not matter. Call me by my name and none other unless you have my permission. Get to know me before you tell me I do not belong….Besides the words “I do not belong do not belong in the statement of describing someone. We all have something valuable to add to this world, and who I am should be respected, as I will respect you.

As I mention, in Chapter 10, of my book, whether you had witnessed bullying, name-calling or any other negative behavior, in or outside your home, it is wrong. Period. You do not have to continue it on in your family or in your life. You have the power to change things.

Bullying and name calling has no place. It does not belong here on this earth. My mother did not put up with us calling each other names or fighting. If you got caught you would hear it, and/ or feel it. She did not even like the word “punk”. Forgive me mother. It is just an example. Loving and respecting others belong here. We have to learn to accept others for who they are and limit the fighting, bullying, and name-calling. There is so much beautiful variety on this earth, and everyone deserves a chance to be who they are…If you live in love, you will be more conscious of what you do and say around others.


Timika Chambers

Author “A mother’s words of wisdom. From my heart to yours. Building within”