Create A Generational Cycle Of Love From The Inside Out

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Early on, I began to learn what love is not. I knew that love was not what my father was doing to my mother. The memories of my father emotionally, mentally, and physically abusing my mother have not presented themselves to me. One memory I do have is of my mother sitting on the couch, and her desperately trying to explain something to one police of the two officers. My mother informed me that police visits were frequent occurrences.

Still, I must have seen something to report to another family member that my father was abusing my mother.

Then, at age 5, I found out that forcing, blackmailing, or manipulating someone to have sex with you did not qualify as love, either. You ignore no’s, cries, and the person’s attempt to protect himself or herself.

For years, I searched for True Love, and I compiled a definition of what love is and what love is not. This list is not the whole list, but here are some key points.

Love is not:

hitting,

calling me outside my name,

continuing to hurt me despite my no’s and cries, and attempts to protect myself and stop you from hurting me,

refusing to help me when you see me struggling,

dumping your pain baggage on me,

blaming me for how you feel,

telling me how to think, what to say,

forcing me to do wrong things and against my ethical and moral standards,

refusing to look at my pain, and

refusing to see me as more than trash or something you can dump on.

When I weeded out what love was not, I came up with a list of what I thought love is.

Love is:

loving myself despite what others think of me,

seeing that I have something to offer to the world like you,

calling me by my name,

lending a helping hand when needed,

tuning in to how I am feeling,

permitting me freedom of expression,

honoring body as a vehicle for my divine message,

realizing your pain and seeking help,

wanting everyone to be free,

creating a generational cycle of love,

assessing and stopping generational patterns that are hurting others,

listening to me,

desiring to be cleansed of anger, fear, judgement, and anything in opposition of you respecting me,

striving to understand instead of taking things personally,

seeking the Truth about life and my role in it,

forgiving me when I don’t live up to your standards,

accepting me where I am with their life, and others life-edifying, promoting, and sustaining actions.

Because I know what love is not, I aim to show the next generation what love is. I do not want to continue anything that hurt me and continue all that helped me to believe that my life and voice matter.

You have the opportunity to create a generational cycle of love by:

  1. Reassessing your definition of love and make the necessary changes.
  2. Healing from the inside out. Addressing anger, frustrations, disappointments, expectations, guilt, shame, resentment, and other potentially life-draining emotions and feelings. Make time to regularly check in with yourself and safely express your emotions and feelings. You are worthy of being here because your birth justified your existence.
  3. Treating others how you want to be treated. You accept others where they are. And at the same time, you also show them how I expect to be treated. Your pain is your pain. You can help but refuse to be a dumping ground.
  4. Aiming to understand instead of judge. Everyone is on a journey. We are all trying to figure out how to move through life and experiences.
  5. Congratulating, praising, and supporting others through their journey. Deep inside, we are all still little children who occasionally need to hear a positive word or need a helping hand.

The generational cycle of pain did not occur overnight. But, we have in our power to create the legacy we want.

Make this lifetime great! You have the ability, gifts, talents, and experiences to create a generational cycle of love from the inside out.

Timika

MSN BSN RN, Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, ACE Fitness Instructor, CDCES

P.S. I would love for you to join my community of being bent on using our experiences as stepping stones to our divine purpose, healing from the inside out, and achieving and sustaining optimal health. Join below.

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Call Me By My Name

I never liked labels. Early on, our mother taught us to call people by their names, a principle she learned through her personal experience with teasing and through someone she loved. 

During my mother’s childhood, people teased her about her “skinny legs.” She shared her disappointment with her father. Then, he shared his story of being teased about the size of his head. She never forgot what it felt like to be teased or her father’s lingering pain from childhood; therefore, she was passionate about reinforcing her principle to call people by their name.

When some family members described an out-of-town family member, they described her by saying she was “crazy.” When I met the family member, I realized that she was not crazy; she was misunderstood. But, I saw the impact of other’s opinions on her identity. I saw the pain in her eyes; there was more to the wounds she had.

When I graduated from nursing school, some people referred to me as a “nurse.” I didn’t like that label either. I just wanted to be Timika, a person that is more than her experience. Part of what helped me to move forward from childhood sexual abuse, was avoiding labels based on fear.

For the first time I watched approximately 40 minutes of Oprah’s new show The Me You Can’t See, last night. Unfortunately, we live in a world in which people project their fears and insecurities on others. I believe many of our adulthood issues stem from our childhood wounds often projected by others. At some point, we believe that others’ opinions mean more than what we think of ourselves. Fortunately, illusions do not stand up to the Truth. The Truth is in us and waiting for us to recognize that we are not what others think of us.

Our parents had reasons for choosing our names, including in memory of a loved one, someone they admired, or the love of a particular name). Who am I to trash over that name? Now, I admit that I am not an expert at remembering names, but I do try. I go further in seeing beyond a person’s name. I see a person who matters and is here for a divine reason.

We are all on a journey of self expression and identification. Especially in childhood we need time to figure ourselves out without the opposition of others. In the same breath, we must know we can’t stop others from talking. As my mother told us, “as long as people have a tongue they will talk.”

Although I learn from my experiences, I am not my experiences. I am not my detours in life, career, profession, or trade. I am not your opinion or stereotype of who I should be. I am not the color of my skin. I am a divine spirit in a unique human form with a mission to complete just like you.

We must know who we are so we do not fall for who we aren’t. You are more than your experiences. You are here for a purpose.

Make this lifetime great!

Timika

I would love for you to be a part of my community bent on healing from the inside out, achieving and sustaining the best health possible, and reuniting with our divine purpose, which is the Light within us.

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COVID-19: My Long Winter

Yesterday, my mother, Thelma Jones, reminded me of my thoughts about my COVID-19 experience. Although I am saddened by the numerous losses associated with the COVID, I relate to the pandemic as a long winter. Winters have always been a time of hibernation for me. I have tackled many projects during the winter, including moments of deep thought, potty training, preparing our children for school, writing, and others.

You see. Before COVID, I was all over the place, taking care of others’ needs while shortchanging myself. I felt like I was all over the place and not where I wanted to spend most of my time. I had this vision bursting within me which included lots of free time to think about life, write, meditate, do yoga, and reconnect with myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, and I am very grateful for them. But, deep down inside, I know if I don’t take care of myself, I am not my Self.

Let me provide some context to why COVID-19 has been my long winter.

Before Oregon, we lived in our cozy condo in Canal Winchester, Ohio. My husband and I were working on our businesses. And in January 2019, my husband accepted a job in Tillamook, Oregon. I resigned from my nursing teaching job I accepted a month ago, informed the Yoga school I couldn’t accept admission into their program (I heard it is hard to get into) and made arrangements with my since-November 2019 contracted-employer to continue virtual health coaching in Oregon. My husband and I cleaned out our Ohio condo, put it on the market, and hopped in my husband’s car for an adventure. The most we ever drove anywhere as a family was 12 hours.

Ohio condo dining area

We met snow in Peoria, Illinois

Move into our first house

Our across- the- country, four-day, and three-night hotel trip to Tillamook, Oregon, worked out perfectly. Within six months of our relocation, we sold our condo and bought our first house.

I spent a lot of time with the kids during the summer of 2019 while studying for my American Council on Exercise (ACE) Personal Trainer certification. I knew that the upheaval was a huge one for our children. I also didn’t want to experience what a mother regretfully told me. She said one summer she was so busy and rarely spent time with her children. Plus, our children experienced some bullying and racist remarks.

In 2019, Cam transitioned to his third school within the past year, and Cayla attended Kindergarten. I was so looking forward to having more free time and writing.

But, it seemed like every day, I was dragging Cayla to go to school, and for several mornings, I kept seeing sadness on our children’s faces. Cam wasn’t developing close relationships with his classmates, unlike his school in Ohio. No matter what I involved the children in or did (after school sports, dancing, volunteer for field trips, parties, luncheon with kids etc.), it seemed like my efforts were not working. I was exhausted, frustrated, and somewhat resentful, which may have contributed to anxiety, a three week cough and fever, and a pneumonia diagnosis in December 2019. My adrenal glands were working overtime, and I felt it.

But, in January 2020, I attended training to become a Diabetes Prevention Lifestyle Coach. In March, I met with Tillamook small business to discuss giving health coaching sessions in Tillamook and open up a yoga wellness center. I didn’t know how I would obtain my yoga certification, but I was open to the process.

Then, COVID-19 hit. As you know, the kids were out of school, and any free time I had left, was put to the side. I grew a little impatient when I had not heard from the children’s school regarding the next steps in education, so on March 30 (one day before my 45th birthday), after discussing homeschooling with my husband, we enrolled the children in homeschooling. I reworked my schedule to include the things I wanted to do (gardening, homeschooling, health, fitness, and recovery after pneumonia, and writing).

Fast forward 14 months after the coronavirus shutdown and precautions, my schedule is taking shape to incorporate what I want to do and who I want to be. It’s crazy because back in Saint Louis, Missouri, before marriage and children, I wanted to take a break from nursing (but still pay my rent and bills) and figure out what I wanted to do. For over 20 years, I lived my mother’s nursing dream. Although I am grateful for nursing, I never felt at home.

Nevertheless, I believe that all things happen for a reason and have observed how COVID -19 has slowed me down. The pandemic has been a long moment of stillness, which I include in my memoir, Bent Not Broken.

Here are just a few things I am grateful for as a result of the long winter.

1.I include discussions about God and other powerful authors and books . As A Man Thinketh was our first book in our homeschooling reading program.

2. I started editing my memoir, Bent Not Broken, which outlines my healing path from childhood sexual abuse.

3. I gathered all of my writing projects together and made a timeline.

4. I spent a lot of time Audio reading. Since April 2020, Tillamook Library, through hoopla, increased our borrowed audiobooks to 20. Every book seemed like it matched what I was feeling and thinking at the time (Marianne Williamson, Norman Vincent Peale, James Allen, Thomas Jefferson, Dale Carnegie, Eckhart Tolle, and others)

5. I rebalanced my home, personal, and professional schedule multiple times. My goal is to obtain a no guilt, no strain balance in my life.

Early on, I found out that tragedies do not need to ruin my life. There is always something to learn, and I get better results when I have a positive outlook on life.

I am a student of life instead of a victim.

What have you learned about yourself during COVID-19? How has it helped you to prioritize your life?

To Your Best Health & Life!

Timika

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