Blaming My Father Was Not The Answer
Posted on June 1, 2021 Leave a Comment
As you know, anger, fear, guilt, shame, resentment, vengeance, and their magnetizing companions can feel unbearable at times. But, I knew that after the sexual abuse secret was out, I had to do something. I didn’t want to end up doing to others what the two family members did to me. Although my family and I continued to live close to J and S (the two family members who sexually abused me), I had to part ways from my entire experience with childhood sexual abuse emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
It’s so easy to blame others for their actions and inactions, but I realized blaming adds more weight to the load that I am already carrying.
Sometime after the secret was out, I was walking in the middle of our street one day. A thought came to me. If my father were around, maybe the abuse would not have happened. Within a matter of seconds, I came to my sense, for there were no guarantees that my father’s presence would have saved me. He was consumed with his internal battles.
Now, I was still angry at my father, for my mother struggled to provide a roof over our head, feed us, and other necessities of life.
But, eventually, the anger towards my father turned into compassion because I knew his absence was not about me, my mother, or my brothers. For years, anger covered up the love I felt for him. I wanted my father in my life, but I later accepted that he would not be the father I wanted him to be. I had to heal that wound, and it took time, but it was worth it.
The blessing out of my relationship with my father is that I knew the type of parent I didn’t want to be, and I hoped to find a man who was unlike him. Later, I learned that we all are moving through some pain. Plus, my father missed out on guiding, loving, and protecting three beautiful spirits. My father was and is not a bad person. My father, just like J and S, was in pain and didn’t know how to deal with their pain.
Pain does not have to continue to callous hearts, dismantle the family concept, or infect generations. I could waste my precious energy, money, and time blaming my father or accepting him as he is. Nowadays, I pray for my father instead of blaming him. I hope he heals from the inside out, finding the peace that surpasses understanding.
By accepting, acknowledging, and confronting my pain, I moved on with my life to be present for two beautiful spirits. I unloaded a lot of baggage so that I could have a clear view of my desired life. I want our children and others to know that healing is possible and that pain is not be carried but released. Life is to be lived.
Thanks for reading!
Make this lifetime great!
Timika
P.S. I would love for you to join my community of being bent on using our experiences as stepping stones to our divine purpose, healing from the inside out, and achieving and sustaining optimal health. Join below.
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Your Individualized Healing Path Depends On…..
Posted on May 29, 2021 Leave a Comment
How we respond to our pain becomes the lenses to how we interpret our emotions, experiences, feelings, and thoughts. Like physical symptoms, our mental symptoms provide the necessary input to help us heal.
Since I was a young girl, I loved walking. Sometimes, I would walk in the house, in our front yard, or to the park. There is something about putting one foot in front of the other and receiving clarity of thought.
Sometime after my experience with incestual sexual abuse ended, as I was walking in the living room, a thought came to me. “Life is about building character.” Then, I thought life experiences test my character. I needed to work on myself instead of spending time rehashing what happened. On that day, the student approach to life was birthed.
When the thoughts of feeling like trash and being scared of men came to me, I realized who I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to spend a lifetime of suffering. I wanted to enjoy my life, for I felt it was my right to do so.
When I felt angry, disappointed, guilty, shameful, resentful, and vengeful, I allowed myself to feel my emotions and feelings. Somehow I knew that denying my experience with sexual abuse and how I felt were not helpful to me. As a student of life, I needed to accept my entire childhood sexual abuse experience.
Thankfully, I didn’t know what sexual abuse, incestual abuse, and manipulation meant as a child. Not labeling my experience helped me to focus on being who I wanted to be.
As time went on, I realized that my emotions, feelings, and thoughts were not to hurt me but to help me heal from the inside out. I didn’t make excuses for the two family members or myself. I accepted and acknowledged my part for keeping the dark secret.
All of us have the potential to heal. Our healing path depends a lot on how we perceive our mental symptoms and the world. If we believe others are out to get us, then we are a victim. If we believe that our mind and body are against us, we will see them as traitors and treat them as such.
But, if we truly believe that our mind and body are speaking to us to heal us, we are moving along the path to accepting ourselves, including our past.
The more we deny what happened to us, the more we prolong what is rightfully ours.
There is an individualized healing path leading us out of the dark wilderness of childhood sexual abuse to the other side of pain. Acceptance and love are waiting for you.
How long we prolong our divine right to heal and enjoy our gift of life is up to us. If no one has told you, I am telling you that your story matters and so does your healing. I know that healing is possible and a process and you deserve every moment of joy, freedom, and living your best life.
May you find your healing path and reunite with your purpose in life. You deserve it!
Timika
MSN BSN RN, Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, ACE Fitness Instructor, CDCES
P.S. I would love for you to join my community of being bent on using our experiences as stepping stones to our divine purpose, healing from the inside out, and achieving and sustaining optimal health. Join below.
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Create A Generational Cycle Of Love From The Inside Out
Posted on May 28, 2021 Leave a Comment
Early on, I began to learn what love is not. I knew that love was not what my father was doing to my mother. The memories of my father emotionally, mentally, and physically abusing my mother have not presented themselves to me. One memory I do have is of my mother sitting on the couch, and her desperately trying to explain something to one police of the two officers. My mother informed me that police visits were frequent occurrences.
Still, I must have seen something to report to another family member that my father was abusing my mother.
Then, at age 5, I found out that forcing, blackmailing, or manipulating someone to have sex with you did not qualify as love, either. You ignore no’s, cries, and the person’s attempt to protect himself or herself.
For years, I searched for True Love, and I compiled a definition of what love is and what love is not. This list is not the whole list, but here are some key points.
Love is not:
hitting,
calling me outside my name,
continuing to hurt me despite my no’s and cries, and attempts to protect myself and stop you from hurting me,
refusing to help me when you see me struggling,
dumping your pain baggage on me,
blaming me for how you feel,
telling me how to think, what to say,
forcing me to do wrong things and against my ethical and moral standards,
refusing to look at my pain, and
refusing to see me as more than trash or something you can dump on.
When I weeded out what love was not, I came up with a list of what I thought love is.
Love is:
loving myself despite what others think of me,
seeing that I have something to offer to the world like you,
calling me by my name,
lending a helping hand when needed,
tuning in to how I am feeling,
permitting me freedom of expression,
honoring body as a vehicle for my divine message,
realizing your pain and seeking help,
wanting everyone to be free,
creating a generational cycle of love,
assessing and stopping generational patterns that are hurting others,
listening to me,
desiring to be cleansed of anger, fear, judgement, and anything in opposition of you respecting me,
striving to understand instead of taking things personally,
seeking the Truth about life and my role in it,
forgiving me when I don’t live up to your standards,
accepting me where I am with their life, and others life-edifying, promoting, and sustaining actions.
Because I know what love is not, I aim to show the next generation what love is. I do not want to continue anything that hurt me and continue all that helped me to believe that my life and voice matter.
You have the opportunity to create a generational cycle of love by:
- Reassessing your definition of love and make the necessary changes.
- Healing from the inside out. Addressing anger, frustrations, disappointments, expectations, guilt, shame, resentment, and other potentially life-draining emotions and feelings. Make time to regularly check in with yourself and safely express your emotions and feelings. You are worthy of being here because your birth justified your existence.
- Treating others how you want to be treated. You accept others where they are. And at the same time, you also show them how I expect to be treated. Your pain is your pain. You can help but refuse to be a dumping ground.
- Aiming to understand instead of judge. Everyone is on a journey. We are all trying to figure out how to move through life and experiences.
- Congratulating, praising, and supporting others through their journey. Deep inside, we are all still little children who occasionally need to hear a positive word or need a helping hand.
The generational cycle of pain did not occur overnight. But, we have in our power to create the legacy we want.
Make this lifetime great! You have the ability, gifts, talents, and experiences to create a generational cycle of love from the inside out.
Timika
MSN BSN RN, Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, ACE Fitness Instructor, CDCES
P.S. I would love for you to join my community of being bent on using our experiences as stepping stones to our divine purpose, healing from the inside out, and achieving and sustaining optimal health. Join below.
Timika S Chambers 