Blaming My Father Was Not The Answer

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

As you know, anger, fear, guilt, shame, resentment, vengeance, and their magnetizing companions can feel unbearable at times. But, I knew that after the sexual abuse secret was out, I had to do something. I didn’t want to end up doing to others what the two family members did to me. Although my family and I continued to live close to J and S (the two family members who sexually abused me), I had to part ways from my entire experience with childhood sexual abuse emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

It’s so easy to blame others for their actions and inactions, but I realized blaming adds more weight to the load that I am already carrying.

Sometime after the secret was out, I was walking in the middle of our street one day. A thought came to me. If my father were around, maybe the abuse would not have happened. Within a matter of seconds, I came to my sense, for there were no guarantees that my father’s presence would have saved me. He was consumed with his internal battles.

Now, I was still angry at my father, for my mother struggled to provide a roof over our head, feed us, and other necessities of life. 

But, eventually, the anger towards my father turned into compassion because I knew his absence was not about me, my mother, or my brothers. For years, anger covered up the love I felt for him. I wanted my father in my life, but I later accepted that he would not be the father I wanted him to be. I had to heal that wound, and it took time, but it was worth it.

The blessing out of my relationship with my father is that I knew the type of parent I didn’t want to be, and I hoped to find a man who was unlike him. Later, I learned that we all are moving through some pain. Plus, my father missed out on guiding, loving, and protecting three beautiful spirits. My father was and is not a bad person. My father, just like J and S, was in pain and didn’t know how to deal with their pain.

Pain does not have to continue to callous hearts, dismantle the family concept, or infect generations. I could waste my precious energy, money, and time blaming my father or accepting him as he is. Nowadays, I pray for my father instead of blaming him. I hope he heals from the inside out, finding the peace that surpasses understanding.

By accepting, acknowledging, and confronting my pain, I moved on with my life to be present for two beautiful spirits. I unloaded a lot of baggage so that I could have a clear view of my desired life. I want our children and others to know that healing is possible and that pain is not be carried but released. Life is to be lived.

Thanks for reading!

Make this lifetime great!

Timika

P.S. I would love for you to join my community of being bent on using our experiences as stepping stones to our divine purpose, healing from the inside out, and achieving and sustaining optimal health. Join below.

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Call Me By My Name

I never liked labels. Early on, our mother taught us to call people by their names, a principle she learned through her personal experience with teasing and through someone she loved. 

During my mother’s childhood, people teased her about her “skinny legs.” She shared her disappointment with her father. Then, he shared his story of being teased about the size of his head. She never forgot what it felt like to be teased or her father’s lingering pain from childhood; therefore, she was passionate about reinforcing her principle to call people by their name.

When some family members described an out-of-town family member, they described her by saying she was “crazy.” When I met the family member, I realized that she was not crazy; she was misunderstood. But, I saw the impact of other’s opinions on her identity. I saw the pain in her eyes; there was more to the wounds she had.

When I graduated from nursing school, some people referred to me as a “nurse.” I didn’t like that label either. I just wanted to be Timika, a person that is more than her experience. Part of what helped me to move forward from childhood sexual abuse, was avoiding labels based on fear.

For the first time I watched approximately 40 minutes of Oprah’s new show The Me You Can’t See, last night. Unfortunately, we live in a world in which people project their fears and insecurities on others. I believe many of our adulthood issues stem from our childhood wounds often projected by others. At some point, we believe that others’ opinions mean more than what we think of ourselves. Fortunately, illusions do not stand up to the Truth. The Truth is in us and waiting for us to recognize that we are not what others think of us.

Our parents had reasons for choosing our names, including in memory of a loved one, someone they admired, or the love of a particular name). Who am I to trash over that name? Now, I admit that I am not an expert at remembering names, but I do try. I go further in seeing beyond a person’s name. I see a person who matters and is here for a divine reason.

We are all on a journey of self expression and identification. Especially in childhood we need time to figure ourselves out without the opposition of others. In the same breath, we must know we can’t stop others from talking. As my mother told us, “as long as people have a tongue they will talk.”

Although I learn from my experiences, I am not my experiences. I am not my detours in life, career, profession, or trade. I am not your opinion or stereotype of who I should be. I am not the color of my skin. I am a divine spirit in a unique human form with a mission to complete just like you.

We must know who we are so we do not fall for who we aren’t. You are more than your experiences. You are here for a purpose.

Make this lifetime great!

Timika

I would love for you to be a part of my community bent on healing from the inside out, achieving and sustaining the best health possible, and reuniting with our divine purpose, which is the Light within us.

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How To Heal From Childhood Sexual Abuse. Step One is to Acknowledge All of Your Truths

I refuse to be a victim. I am a student of life.

I believe all of us are students and teachers of life. Every experience provides us information about ourselves, including our views on life.

At 5 years old, two family members misused my developing body. I knew it wasn’t my fault they abused me, for no child is the cause of an adult’s behavior. But, I still experienced anger, guilt, shame, resentment, and vengeance. Then, I realized that the above emotions were distractions to me moving forward with my life, which is my divine right to enjoy.

The two family members were my first teachers. I didn’t deny what happened, for every cell of my body knew what happened. I learned who I didn’t want to be, and therefore, who I wanted to be.

I have some questions for you. Are you still angry at your teachers? Are you suffering from something they did to you such as lack of restful sleep, balanced and proper nutrition, peace of mind, and living your divine purpose? What that person or persons did may not have been right, but do you deserve to be imprisoned by anger, anxiety, resentment, shame, and other life-draining emotions and feelings?

I believe that many of our physical symptoms stem from unhealed pain. Many people suffer from this cycle of pain (chronic and rare health conditions), but you don’t have to. In other words, someone acted from their pain when they hurt you, but you don’t have to carry their baggage.

As you know, the truth is not always easy to accept, but the truth is essential to our healing. I could not take back my childhood experience with sexual abuse, but I could incorporate the lessons I learned from it. One thing I learned is who I didn’t want to be.

The theme for this week and June will be on how to acknowledge the truth after childhood sexual abuse. Once we accept the truth, we open the door to our individualized healing path. We realize that we no longer need to suffer, and it is our right to learn from our experiences, live our divine purpose, and love ourselves and others.

Make this lifetime great! This is your life, and you deserve all the good things in store for you.

To Your Best Health!

Timika