What Treasures Did I Uncover From Early Childhood Disappointment?
I loved playing in the streets as a child. We didn’t have to worry about a lot of traffic entering and exiting our streets, for at the end of our street was a large field extending for miles and an alley that ran alongside it.
Sometime after the secret, several kids including myself, were outside playing in the streets. Somehow S, one of the two male family members who misused my body, made it over in front of me. All of a sudden, he turned around and wasn’t smiling anymore. He said “it wasn’t that bad.” For a minute, I stood there in disbelief. First of all, he denied his involvement in my sexual abuse experience since day one. Second of all, he downplayed what he already denied. But, in that moment, I knew his denial had nothing to do with me. I did the right thing in telling the truth.
I didn’t know what integrity meant at the time, but I knew I didn’t want to spend a lot of time on either end (not telling the truth and causing someone to think something so big was so small of an issue). No child should ever experience sexual abuse or ever feel that being forced and manipulated to do something is no big deal.
How did I turn S’s denial and minimization of my experience with childhood sexual abuse?
- I faced what I didn’t like. I was more grateful about J showing me who I didn’t want to be. Then, I knew who I wanted to be.
- I practiced telling the truth as much as possible from something simple as the color of grass to my emotions and every day situations.
- I remembered how it felt to have someone minimize my emotions, feelings, and body (mental construct). No one should ever feel like an outcast for telling the truth. I tried my best to include others (classmates, friends, new kids on the block, to coworkers)in whatever I was doing.
My childhood sexual abuse experienced uncovered several treasures, including:
1. The “what I say to you. I say to me” principle. If I encourage you to do something, I should be doing it myself.
2. As a child, I prayed to see the innocence in people. I did not want my heart to harden because of what someone else did. Oh man! This one hit me again. It’s easy to judge people when you feel like they have disappointed you.
As I focused on the treasures of the disappointment, I continued to chip away at the guilt, shame, and other emotions and feelings lingering from my experience with childhood sexual abuse.
We do not have to live with anger, blame, guilt, shame, resentment, and vengeance. Embrace the experience and know there are treasures waiting for you.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7, NIV)
Thank you for reading my post!
Make this lifetime great!
MSN BSN RN, Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, ACE Fitness Instructor, CDCES
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